Will You Please Be Quiet, Please? The Private Agony of the Introvert in an Extroverted World

In 1921, the psychologist Carl Jung posited that we are (generally) introverts or extroverts. In an extrovert culture, that can be a real problem for introverts.

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One out of four of us is an introvert. Or maybe half. Or, possibly, a third. The fact is no one really knows. Many introverts don't even know they're introverts.

The people who study such matters have far more confidence in saying that, whatever the ratio of extroverts to introverts, there are many more of the former than the latter in the general population. In a fair world, that would have no more significance than saying some people have brown eyes and some people have blue eyes. But we don't live in that world.

In her best-selling book, Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In a World That Can't Stop Talking, Susan Cain wrote, "We live with a value system that I call the Extrovert Ideal - the omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha, and comfortable in the spotlight. Introversion - along with its cousins sensitivity, seriousness, and shyness - is now a second-class personality trait, somewhere between disappointment and pathology. Introverts living under the Extrovert Ideal are like women in a man's world, discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are. Extroversion is an enormously appealing personality style, but we've turned it into an oppressive standard to which most of us feel we must conform."

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In 1921, the psychologist Carl Jung published the book, Psychological Types, in which he introduced the expressions introversion and extroversion and posited that they are fundamental pieces of a person's personality. Essentially, extroverts thrive on other people and action. They thrill to the energy of a party. They love to talk. They're bored by solitude. Introverts prefer quiet and time alone for thoughtful reflection or creativity. The putative experts in the field say that gifted people - artists, writers, creators, intellectuals - tend to be introverts. They aren't necessarily anti-social, though they may be, but they  find other people exhausting. To them, the chit-chat of a cocktail party is a grotesque, enervating waste of time. Many introverts feel as if they are under siege in an American culture that doesn't understand them or care to. Some feel pressured to pretend to be extroverts and do so to fit in. But they feel like impostors.

Some months ago, I asked people on Facebook whether they were introverts or extroverts. To my surprise, most who responded said they were introverts (I have since theorized that many introverts communicate more comfortably via social media). Again and again, I heard comments about having to pretend to be outgoing, and about the psychic toll of that pretense.

Danielle said, "Most people who meet me think I'm an extrovert. They don't understand how difficult it sometimes can be to be outgoing when it's against your nature. I like my alone time, when it feels like I don't have to be 'on' in front of others."

"I fake being an extrovert to the extreme just to hide what an introvert I really am," said Kara. "Everyone thinks I'm the life of the party but it's a 'fake it till you make it' thing."

Again and again, I heard from introverts that interacting with others, particularly extreme extroverts, leaves them feeling out of sorts and in desperate need of recovery time - alone.

Doug, a minister, wrote, "As a pastor, I very much enjoy engaging with people. But there is a slow energy drain as I do so until I have nothing left and need to withdraw to refuel."

“The Introvert B3” photo credit: h.koppdelaney

To better understand the world of introversion, I talked to my college friend, Claire, who is a devout introvert.

RC: Have you always been an introvert?

Claire: Always.

RC: What qualities or traits do you have that convince you of that?

Claire: I started to read about introverts and realized that's me. It explained in retrospect so much of my childhood. I'm very uncomfortable in groups of people. I have a very high tolerance for solitude. Very high. I enjoy one-on-one or small group, meaningful conversations. Chit-chat is very difficult for me. When I'm in large groups, I feel like I have to put on a persona. I'm distanced from myself.

RC: What is it about being at a party you don't like? Is it stressful? Boring? Uncomfortable? How would you describe it?

Claire: I would use all of those words. I would add scary. I don't know if this is introversion or just me, but the known is more comfortable and in these large groups, you don't know who's going to come up to you and say what, which is why that barrier goes up. You're performing.

RC: But the world operates on these kinds of social rituals.

Claire: But it's boring and it's meaningless and it's a denial of self. If you can't be your real self and you have to act, why do it?

RC: Isn't that making a judgment? That it's better, more authentic to be an introvert? Or you're just saying it's better for you?

Claire: I mean for me. I am an introvert. 

RC: I mean, better to have meaningful conversations.

Claire: That's what I prefer and that's not respected in our culture.

RC: What makes you think introverts are disrespected or devalued?

Claire:  Movies. Books. Culture. Parties. Group enthusiasm. Big parties. All of those things are portrayed as valued. You rarely see complimentary things about loners. The loner is not exalted. I've been thinking about Walden Pond and it stood out to such an extent because it was a crazy idea that someone would remove himself from society to enjoy solitude. I have a cousin in Santa Barbara who said, 'I went out to lunch and risked Covid because I had to be out with people.' Had to get out! Whoa! Never hear me say that. (laughs).

RC: How was the pandemic for you?

Claire: Pleasant. Just easy for me. Not for others.

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Many researchers agree with the notion that extroversion is, as Claire put it, exalted and even promoted in our culture (some say that's less true in other countries), and that, at least in America, introversion is generally viewed as an undesirable personality trait and is, well, weird.

Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig, psychologists at the College of William and Mary, say that school, a veritable hothouse of nonstop human interaction, can be especially hard for introverts. For hours a day, young people are forced into large, jostling, chattering groups. On the school bus. In class. Between classes. In the cafeteria. At P.E. or athletic events. Everywhere you turn it's frenetic and crowded.

"Where can a student be alone or at least with only a few others sometime during the regular day?" wrote Burruss and Kaenzig in their article, Introversion: The Often Forgotten Factor Impacting the Gifted. "Why is the request to work alone commonly denied? How much of a day do you believe is dedicated to providing reflection or enforced quiet? Modern schools seem to be designed for extroverts."

Teachers sometimes assume introverted students are troubled.

Lynie, responding to my Facebook survey, wrote, "In kindergarten I remember my teacher taking me aside to ask why I played alone, was I being bullied? I was shocked. No, not at all. Happened again at a later school. This time the principal wanted to talk to me. Same question. Same answer."

The working world is similar to school, maybe worse. In almost any profession you can think of, gregariousness is considered a positive attribute. The ability and desire to work in a team is explicitly idealized. An employee who is reserved and prefers to work alone is considered eccentric, maybe even suspicious.

"In our extroverted society, outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as big-hearted. vibrant, warm, empathic. Introverts are described with words like 'guarded,' 'loner,' 'reserved' 'taciturn,' 'self-contained,' 'private' - narrow, ungenerous words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality," wrote Jonathan Rauch, a self-identified introvert, in The Atlantic

In popular entertainment, the loner fares somewhat better. In movies and popular literature, the world-weary private detective or the lonesome cowboy are iconic American male stereotypes. Even in real life, a man can sometimes get away with these traits. Gary Cooper had a successful film career playing strong and silent heroic characters. But how many people actually aspire to that in their own lives or admire those qualities in their own friends and colleagues? And a woman who exhibits this behavior, Rauch points out, runs the risk of being seen as "timid, withdrawn, haughty."

“Introverts may be common,” wrote Rauch, “but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.”

Introversion is often mistaken for shyness or timidity or depression. There are shy introverts, timid introverts and depressed introverts, but that's not by itself introversion. But because of this common misperception, introverts are often subjected to what to them is an excruciating form of torture: the efforts of cheerful well-meaning extroverts to pull them out of their shell. Guess what? Many, if not most introverts don't want to be "cured." They just want to be left alone, please.

"When you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say, 'What's the matter?' or 'Are you alright?'" wrote Rauch. "Don't say anything else either."

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Whether you are an introvert or extrovert or somewhere between those polar extremes is probably a matter of both genetics and your life experiences. Nature and nurture. That raises the question of whether one can change. Can an introvert become an extrovert? I could frame the question the other way around - can an extrovert become an introvert - but I suspect that few extroverts would entertain such a fate.

The consensus in the research I looked at was that whether you are an introvert or extrovert, or an ambivert, which is someone with traits of both, is essentially fixed. You are immutably what you are. There appears to be a similar consensus that one is not superior to or more normal than the other, unless you're unhappy about it. 

"One type isn't 'better' than the other," says Kendra Cherry, a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist and author of The Everything Psychology Book. "Each tendency can have benefits and drawbacks depending on the situation."

But Seth Margolis and Sonja Lyubomirsky, researchers at the University of California, Riverside, say extroversion, in fact, does make people happier.

In their 2019 study, Experimental Manipulation of Extraverted* and Introverted Behavior and Its Effects on Well-Being, they asserted that extroverts have more "well-being" - happiness - than introverts. They ran an experiment in which a group of introverts and extroverts were asked to spend one week as an introvert - basically, keeping quiet and to themselves - and a week as an extrovert - when they were directed to engage with other people, like it or not. Throughout the experiment, they were questioned about how they felt about themselves in those roles.

Margolis and Lyubomirsky found that "participants reported marked growth in positive affect during the extroversion week and marked decline in positive affect during the introversion week." They concluded that if you really want to, you can change your personality and become more extroverted "by creating plans to increase the frequency of extroverted behavior." Essentially, fake it till you make it. The problem, as I see it, is that it's ultimately inauthentic. If introverts find just being around extroverts to be exhausting, I can easily imagine that performing as if you are an extrovert for months and years, not just a week, would be  draining.

Years ago, I asked a friend - an extreme extrovert - what she thought I was. When she said, "Oh, you're an introvert," I was dismayed and felt a little insulted. I wanted to be an extrovert and yet, hearing it stated for the first time in my life, I knew I wasn’t.

Over the past few weeks, I have taken several tests that are supposed to determine if you're an introvert, ambivert or extrovert. I was rated as an ambivert on several and as an introvert on one. Having read and re-read about the characteristics of an extrovert, that's most assuredly not me. I like talking to people, even strangers - maybe especially strangers. I live in New York and I like the throbbing energy of a big city. But I also relish time by myself, away from the throngs. The older I get, the more I savor that solitary time (something I heard frequently from other people who answered my informal Facebook inquiry). I like reflecting, even though it often ends up an exercise in tail-chasing. I can enjoy a big party, but I prefer socializing with a small group of friends who I already know. And I would much rather write this newsletter than hold forth on the very same topics at a party or from a barstool. Would I ever want to be an extrovert? Absolutely not.

If you're an introvert, would you want to be an extrovert? If you are an extrovert, would you rather be an introvert? Let me know what you think.

*There are two ways to spells extroversion. The second is extraversion. Either is correct.